I often ponder the reactions I see in children when they are given directions or asked to join in an activity. I wonder how differently they may behave if more thought was given to the words their caregivers use and to the way in which those words are delivered.

Think about something as simple as getting your child ready for bed. Often, I have heard parents say "Are you ready for your bath now?" and when their child says that they don't want a bath, the parents are frustrated or angry. There really was no choice in the matter, but the request was formed as a question and the child answered accordingly. It is and will be increasingly important for every child to learn to make choices effectively and so, as parents, it is equally important to provide opportunities to present them with appropriate choices so that they may practice that skill. There are many situations in which you can offer choices to your child. They can choose which clothes they would like to wear, what toy to play with or which activity they want to do first. A good rule of thumb is to present two options for the choice but be sure that both are choices that you, as the parent, are comfortable with. It will also become increasingly important for children to practice determining when what they are asked to do is optional or not. How and when choices are given can be a powerful teaching tool for children. It is also very important for parents to be clear with their child, and in themselves, when there is a choice to be made. If the request is not negotiable, phrase it as a request or direction and not as a question. Using the words “will you” “can you” “are you ready” or “would you like” at the beginning of a statement from a parent indicates to the child that they may choose to comply or give a “no” for answer. This sounds like a very simple thing but it definitely is not. Set yourself a goal to pay attention for the next 24 hours to the way in which you request something of your child. Is it formed as a question or a direction? If it is stated as a question, did you really intend to give your child a choice in the matter? If it is not a negotiable thing, perhaps using the words “ please go and …”, “I want you to…” or maybe “it is time to…” would be helpful to gain the action you want from your child.

When we become more thoughtfully aware of the words we use and how we deliver them, we can often be more assured of compliance. We can also be more proactive in deciding on our responses to how our children react to requests. There truly is power in words.