I was talking recently with an acquaintance about blogs she would like to see on this website. She told me that one thing that made her very uncomfortable was seeing parents “discipline” their children in a public place. She said that she felt as though, if she did that with her child, it may make them feel belittled.

My first question was whether she meant disciplined or punished in public. That question, as anyone who knows me at all, is one that I hold to be of utmost importance. I truly believe it is important to be clear on the difference between discipline and punishment. I know that I have said this in other articles and you will likely hear me say it again. Discipline is about teaching! When we see someone yelling at or hitting their child in public, it is usually a reaction to frustration, embarrassment or feeling overwhelmed. This is really not discipline. In this case, teaching is not the focus, punishment is. In most situations when a child is misbehaving in public, the thought of seeing it as an opportunity to help them to learn is far from a parent’s mind.

There is a great deal of pressure on parents when a child misbehaves in public. Inevitably, it attracts a lot of attention from people all around them. A parent may feel ashamed and embarrassed by the behavior of their child. They likely feel judgement from all the people looking on. In a situation like that, is it any wonder that they may react in a knee jerk way and not really in a thoughtful way? It can certainly be difficult to see it as a teaching moment for them. I get it…..been there with my own kids.

You may wonder at my thought that it is an opportunity to teach. I do sort of come from a different angle some times. I remember going into classrooms and watching classroom staff take a favorite toy away from a group of kiddos and put it away because kids would fight over who got to play with it. Whenever I got the chance I would place that toy front and center and watch to see what began to happen. The reason, you see, is because I believe very strongly that within every conflict is the seed of opportunity to teach our children a different way to approach solving conflicts and problems. Even though it was sometimes difficult, I was ready to step in when conflicts began and use the opportunity to teach.

When I taught the parenting classes I would often pose the following scenario. I asked the parents to imagine they are in the Super Store to buy a watermelon for a recipe they planned on making for a very special guest that day. Upon arriving in the produce section, they reach for the very last watermelon in the bin at the same time as another person. I ask them “What are you going to do? Will you yell at the other person or maybe hit them?” Usually there is laughter and many answers of “No, of course not”. When I ask “Why not?”, most people say that is not the right thing to do. There are many suggestions of alternate strategies given in the resulting discussion. I always conclude by saying that we learn all of these strategies in order to avoid and resolve conflict. They are important skills in life. Why would we pass up on opportunities to help our children learn these skills as early as possible. It is easier to just move the toy away and sometimes it is necessary to get through the day. If we; however, have a plan in place to begin teaching strategies to resolve conflict, it can be very valuable to place that troublesome item front and center where you can be in control of the situation and prepared to use it as a teaching opportunity.

So, what does all this have to do with discipline or punishment in public. Everything!! Being prepared with a plan to encourage the behavior that we want and a plan on how to deal with misbehavior before ever setting out on the shopping trip can make all the difference and help to avoid public meltdowns.

I have actually planned and accompanied many families on shopping trips in order to help them learn practical strategies to make shopping with their child a positive and rewarding experience. It was most often highly successful and we all, parents and kids and staff, had loads of fun. When I followed up with families, it was apparent that when they continued to use the strategies and focused on the positive opportunities, the incidences of misbehavior were far fewer and the parents had much more confidence in dealing with the few times their child did misbehave.

When we are thoughtfully aware that there is always a seed of opportunity in times of challenge, we have the chance to plan how we can use it as a teaching tool. I call this proactive parenting! Book a session to help review and plan strategies for public settings.

Remember, all behavior is learned from modelling, observation or trial and ingrained by practice.