What does discipline really mean?

I was talking with some family members recently. We were discussing “kids today”, as we often do. My brother was commenting that most of the kids he sees today don’t seem to have any sense of responsibility or respect. He says that parents need to discipline their children more. He sees it as a very black and white situation and simple solution. As often happens during these discussions, we agree on some points but also very much disagree on others.

I believe that discipline is a very important piece of bringing up our next generation. In that, we both agree. The place where we diverge is in our perception and understanding of what discipline actually means. When most people think of discipline, they think of punishment. The truth is that discipline actually means teaching! Therein lies the crux of what our job, as parents, is meant to be.

Sometimes in my classes I ask the parents attending what they believe their job in raising kids actually is. I usually get answers around feeding, clothing, safety and such. All of these, I respond, are a part of the answer. When I ask them what else is their job, invariably, one or more parent answers that they are supposed to make their kids happy. They are often quite taken aback when I say that I don’t believe that is our job.

Let me unpack that a little. I always assure parents that our job is to prepare our children to become self reliant, critical thinking, contributing members of society and the world. We definitely all want our kids to be happy and I believe a part of preparing our kids for their life ahead is to help them to learn how to think critically about what they do, what they want and what they are prepared to do to meet all their needs. When these things are in place, even on the very simple and elementary level of children, happiness tends to be a lovely byproduct. I think it is also a healthy and functional skill to learn that happiness does not come from outside of ourselves and is not the responsibility of others to make us happy. I sometimes wonder if the divorce rate and relationship breakdowns in our countries might reduce if we all worked on learning this.

So…..if discipline truly is about teaching and not really about punishment, maybe it is time to really work at building our tool boxes (and our kiddo’s toolbox) with some practical, positive strategies to begin and to continue that journey!! Stay tuned and lets travel that road together.