I know that sounds like all science and no humanity but bear with me while I unpack that a bit. We all learn, from the time we are infants, ways to meet our needs. Think about the first cries of a baby. At first, it is a simple reaction to the discomfort of the huge change in environment. During the first few hours, mothers will try to feed, warm and comfort their baby when it cries. This is the beginning of communication. As the child grows, they begin to learn that crying creates a reaction that meets their need. Each time a parent responds to their baby’s cry, they reinforce that process of communication. Soon, the parent may even recognize the differences in cries to identify hunger, discomfort, tiredness, and need for attention. Everything we do is based on reinforcement.

When I teach positive parenting classes on using reinforcement to gain compliance, I often pose this question to the parents .”Why do you think that I greet you when you come into the room? Why do I look at each of you and smile?” Most of the parents say that I am friendly. I agree, I am friendly but I am also very calculated in the way that I welcome parents into my classes. Then I ask, “What do you think would happen if, when you came into the class, I did not acknowledge you, greet you or smile at you? How would you feel? Would you be more or less willing to listen to the things I say or to participate in the exercises or discussions? Invariably, the light begins to go on.

I am very passionate about the subject of parenting and I truly want my classes to be of high value to the participants. I know that if I greet each person with a smile and call them by their name, I am beginning to establish a relationship with them and they are far more likely to feel comfortable participating. They are much more likely to truly listen to the things I say and to think about them. I also know that my effort at building connection is likely to be returned. Let’s turn it around a bit. What would happen if I poured my passion into what I am teaching and no one responded?. How likely would I be to continue giving my best effort to help these parents to build skill? Knowing and understanding these dynamics helps me to reach out to the parents in the room and increase the likelihood that they will leave with some enhanced skills. Perhaps they will try some of the strategies we discuss or perhaps they will have a total paradigm shift in approaching the challenges they face with their kiddos. I want to create the best possibilities that I can in the time that we are together. I know that if I am intentional in reinforcing their attendance, their participation, their questions and even their confidence to disagree with or question ideas and strategies, they are much more likely to use the things they learn when they leave the class. I will have also had an opportunity to learn. Parenting is not a “one size fits all” endeavor. It is an opportunity to build , and keep on building, a toolbox of skills, strategies and open minded approaches to the various challenges that come with each individual child.

When, in the forefront of our minds, we keep the idea that we all behave based on reinforcement, it can lead us to being more mindful of the way we approach others, adult and child alike. It is often said that all behavior is a form of communicating needs and wants. Behavior is meant to gain something or to avoid something, If we can begin to decipher what that need may be, we can be more intentional in helping to teach and reinforce functional, appropriate ways for our children to meet their needs.